What to do if you think someone is experiencing domestic violence or intimate partner abuse
People in a relationship that has toxic or abusive behaviors may experience physical, sexual, emotional/psychological, technological and financial manipulation and control.
Warning signs of abuse by an intimate partner
Seem afraid of their partner, anxious to please them, or be careful to agree with everything their partner says or wants
Have to constantly be accountable to their partner about where they are, what they’re doing or who they’re with
Talk about their partner’s temper or jealousy
- Have frequent injuries or “accidents”
- Frequently miss work, school or social occasions without a clear reason
Experience shifts in their personality, like decreased self-esteem, seeming depressed, or becoming anxious when they used to be confident or outgoing
Pull away from close relationships with friends and family or cherished hobbies
Have to seek their partner’s approval for activities, friendships, purchases or plans
How to help if you suspect someone is being abused
People experiencing abuse by an intimate partner may not call what is happening abusive. They also may not respond the way we’d expect them to when we share our concern about how they are being treated. Their reactions may range from being frightened for their life to not acknowledging there is a problem at all.
If you choose to talk with someone about what you are concerned about, remember the following:
- Make sure it’s safe to talk. Choose a time and place that is safe and private. Be specific about what is concerning you. For example, “I am worried your partner is doing hurtful things” or “I am concerned that I do not see you in class/or at work anymore,” can be more helpful in starting a conversation than something more generic like, “Is everything okay?”
- Listen carefully. Take the situation seriously and listen to your friend for the sake of hearing about their experience. Try your best to meet them where they are.
- Mirror their language. If someone describes a situation that sounds like abuse to you, but they don’t use the word “abuse”, refrain from labeling it as such. Instead, match the words they are using to describe their experience.
- Avoid criticizing or minimizing their experience. Telling them how they should feel about their partner’s behavior may put them in a position of feeling bad about themselves and defending their partner. Remember that it can be difficult for people to make sense of how they are being treated, especially when their partner also makes them feel good. Refrain from minimizing acts of harm or blaming them for not being more upset or for putting up with the hurtful behaviors they’ve endured.
- Let them know you support them. Encourage them to build a support network by talking to supportive friends, family members, a support group, a hotline or a confidential advocate counselor on campus. People experiencing intimate partner abuse are often socially isolated due to the dynamics of their relationships.
- Offer to give the help that they are asking for. Someone may choose to stay with a partner who is hurtful for a number of reasons. Avoid telling them what to do, judging them or pressuring them to leave. Instead, offer to help them in a way they need or want without trying to “fix” their relationship. You can refer them to confidential resources for support and information.
- Help keep them safe. If they are worried about talking openly and safely about what is happening, it can be helpful to come up with a code word that means you will help them out in a certain way. For instance, if things escalate, they can text you and say, “We’re having hamburgers for dinner tonight.” You will then know it is time to call campus security, police, etc.
- Support yourself. Caring for someone can be emotionally draining. If you are helping someone with an abusive partner, there are resources available for you, whether you’re a friend, family member, or peer.
Intimate Partner Abuse/Domestic Violence resources
Remember that help is available. The following resources support students, staff and faculty experiencing, or supporting someone experiencing abuse in a relationship. provides free and confidential information, consultation, support, advocacy and short-term trauma-specific counseling services to all students, faculty and staff who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic, disturbing or life-disrupting event, including intimate partner abuse. Call 303-492-8855 to connect with an OVA advocate counselor.
- The Office of Institutional Equity and Compliance (OIEC) enforces university policies around sexual misconduct, intimate partner abuse and stalking, among other unwelcome behaviors. If you or someone you know in the CU community has been impacted, reports can be filed online. Individuals can also report something anonymously to OIEC.
- Don’t Ignore It is an online resource to explore your options for seeking confidential support, reporting concerns and learning skills for helping others. If something seems off, it probably is – don’t ignore it.
- is a local confidential resource with a 24/7 crisis line (303-444-2424) and shelter.
- is a free and confidential service that provides a crisis hotline (1-800-799-7233) and other services to help you create a safety plan, connect with local resources, find support and more.